It's hard to be responsible

My whole life, I've had a very strong conscience. The only way I can get it to shut up is to do what it says. I know this is a good thing, but it makes my life more difficult most of the time. I see people around me every day that are ok with doing things half-way or not doing what is right because it is more difficult.

I can't do that. In my personal life, this is never too hard on me because in general, it's just always easier to do the right thing. At work, however, it's a different story. In a recent example, I went to Minnesota to fix a problem. However, after I got back, I found out that it's not fixed. I don't want to go back there. It's not really that much more work, but I hated the cold and I don't want to spend a week away from Matt. But I know it's the right thing to do and if I have someone else do it, it'll just look like I'm "passing the buck". So I'm going to end up going back.

Some days I just wish I could do like so many others do and just turn away.

So what are we doing here?

Every day I feel like I'm doing the same thing. The exact events of my day may change a little - talking to different customers, encountering different problems, etc - but I feel like I'm always doing the same thing. I wake up, make my lunch, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch some TV and go to bed.

Is this what I'm going to do until the day I die? Is this really all that there is in life? If so, what's the point? To incur debt and pay off bills? Is my sole purpose on this planet to survive comfortably?

These questions have been weighing heavy on me for the last few weeks. I know that I have a very good life and I love my husband a lot, but I can never seem to be content with just being content. I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what would make me happy and keep me happy. I've never found my "passion". Matt's got it and it sometimes makes me jealous.

I understand why people need to be religious. It's a lot nicer to think that we're not alone or that we're working towards something that's bigger than us, but I know that's just not the way it is. We're born, we live, we die - end of story. I see why some people have kids - at least it's a little variety, but in my case, I think it would be selfish to have kids. I know that I would get bored with that, too, and I don't want to screw up a couple more people on this planet. I also understand why some people turn to drugs or drinking - it's easier to cope with the sadness of it all. But I won't let myself turn to any of those options - instead, I wallow in my own self-torture and think way too much.

Not the happiest of posts, but this is what goes through my head every day.

Who decides what's right for you?

Last night Matt and I had an interesting conversation. His dad's neighbor's son (they're close to the family) is bipolar and has been on medication most of his life to regulate him. He's now 18 and is refusing to take his medication. As a result, he's very unstable and has been kicked out of several homes and is believed to be homeless and doing drugs. The conversation that we had was whether he should be forced to take his medication. I say no - it's his choice and he knows the consequences. Matt says that he doesn't know what's good for him right now and he should be forced to take them. Of course, the only way you'll be able to force someone to take medication is to institutionalize them, which can only happen if they're a threat to themselves or someone else.

I am not nearly as severely unstable as this kid, but I do understand the weight of having to choose whether or not to take medication. I haven't been on mine for months and I definitely feel it. I'm supposed to take it to help me control my emotions, but who decided that was a bad thing? I do feel like I'm a different person when I'm on my medication. I'm more numb and content with everything. I'm definitely more stable and generally happy. But it also sucks almost any creativity out of me. I don't get the same strong reactions to things that either make me really happy or really angry (and it's hard for me to tell the difference when I'm not on meds). I guess they take the edge off of everything, but I miss that when I'm on them.

I am definitely in a depression right now and I have considered going back on my meds. One day last week, I came home from work and cried for hours straight. I'm stuck in a rut and don't see a way out of it. I feel like every day is the same and will be until the day I die. When I'm on my meds, I know that emotions will pass. When I'm not, it's hard to see past today. But there are days (0ff meds) that everything is brighter, smells are stronger, almost like a high. I feel like the meds turn me into what other people want me to be, not necessarily what I want to be (not that I know what that is).

Anyway, it's a struggle that I'll probably always have and I understand why this kid made the choice he did - I'm sure he has a bit of an identity crisis and needs to figure out who he is. And I don't think that any of us have a right to decide what's right for him.