My struggle

I've been struggling with weight for some time. I recently decided to try something new and go off of my Lexapro. In two weeks, I've lost 12 pounds without altering how I eat (actually I've eaten a bit worse than normal) or exercising at all. Now I have a decision to make - what is more important, mental or physical health?

I can notice a huge difference in myself on or off my meds. When I'm not on them, it takes a lot of effort to control my emotions, especially anger. It doesn't take much to set me off and sometimes I can visualize myself doing irrational things like bashing my monitor with my mouse or punching a wall. It takes a lot of mental effort to keep from doing these things, and I'm not sure if I can control it forever. I'm also a lot more withdrawn from Matt, and I don't like that, either.

Every time I go off of my meds, however, I also get a lot more creative (the website redesign is just an example). I become more introverted and introspective, which I actually enjoy a bit. Some great ideas have come out of these types of times, but what also comes is depression. At least now I know how to see it coming and I've still got a stock of pills to last for a year or so.

Sometimes, though, I have to wonder who I really am - the person I am when I'm on medication or the person when I'm not? If there is a chemical imbalance in my head, maybe it's supposed to be there? Maybe things are supposed to be hard for me? It's really a catch 22 - I don't like the way I look when I'm on meds, but I don't like the person I can be when I'm not on them.